August 16, 2008
LostLately, I've been unable to sleep peacefully. I am so lost and unable to focus. my feelings are so reverse.
About until 1.5 years ago, ppl always asked me what plans I had in life ahead, where I was heading, where do I see myself etc. and I never had an answer. I was someone who took life per day, as it came. I dint have any set plans and decided what to do and how as things came through. I was happy that way.
Until now, nobody really asks me those questions anymore. I'm done with my studies (the essential part, further is optional and I dont see something available, of my choice, in Dubai). I have a job I like (mostly, I guess). I dont have any financial burdens. But, NOW is the time I cant find myself at peace. I am constantly worrying about what lies ahead. So many things happening around me, I cant seem to be affected or show my emotion/reaction to any of it. I'm just there, cold. Unaffected.
Is something wrong with me?
Trust me, the simplest of things can make me happy. It doesnt take much to put a genuine smile on my face. Doesnt seem to be the case anymore. I would get excited about the slightest thing. Now, I'm just normal, like nothing happened/ is happening. I was loud and hyper and always showing some initiative, volunteering for things around me. Now, I just sit there, unaffected with a 'couldnt be bothered' attitude.
My mind is always worried about my future. Maybe its because so far, I had these goals to accomplish. Not that I had set, but goals you are 'supposed to' meet by this age. There was always something to look forward to. Something to do next. All of that seems to have come to an end now. I SO dont know what to do.
I just cannot find myself at peace, to be able to relax. Worst of all, I have this ability to sleep for 12-14 hours at a stretch, after that, I'm like a bunny on energiser battery. Again, NOW when I get out of my sleeping beauty mode, I still have dark circles..why? cuz all those hours I slept, I kept having some nasty dreams.
I've mentioned about my grandma before, well shes away for a while now and will be, for the next few months. You have NO IDEA how much things have changed at home. My family life couldnt be better. Everyone is so relaxed. No more stupid nonsensical rules. Everyone is free to do things at their will. Best of all - no restrictions on the kitchen, who to touch, when to touch, when to do what. Basically, we feel like we're living a practical life now. But instead of enjoying all of this while shes back. I'm numb.
I need help. I'm missing something that has always been there. Without that, I just cant seem to be myself anymore. I havent lost hope. I just hope I can be myself again..seems very difficult and a tiring effort but.. I'll try.. I just need time..maybe?
I just CANNOT CANNOT find myself to be at peace.
August 05, 2008
Random! Random! Update! Update! Random Update!!Its been a year.. exactly a year now. A lot has changed. Way tooo much has changed. Well in my last post, a year ago, I mentioned I’m taking a gamble on a job. Turned out well. After 2 months of working as a temp, I was offered a permanent position, which I duly declined. Another month later I was offered a higher and better position, which I accepted. 6 months ahead, a raise.
Contradictory to my friends, I'm enjoying my life - post graduation. I don’t really miss being a student so much, probably cuz of the pains I went through to finally complete my degree (not so much with flying colors) but I did it!!!! And it feels great. All the pain and effort and fighting and sleepless nights and tension and worries, really paid off. People really look at you differently when you’re out there starting a career – irrespective of the kind of experience you have. Lucky for me, I’m placed in an industry of my interest and also had relevant experience and my education backs my skills.
I’d really lost interest in Blogging. Like Gautam said recently ‘who Josh chala gaya’. Firstly, I was bored of the same ‘ol ranting, same ‘ol shit on everyones blog, I dint bother to keep track. I got so busy with work and my social life (which was almost non existent during college). A social life that I had time for! Anything that happened I could actually discuss it, debate it, laugh at , complain along – all with my friends, collegues, ppl I know ppl who had a better judgement of me. I realized when I blogged, I let out incomplete info on what I was talking about. I could never give everyone a clear picture of where I'm getting at, cuz you HAVE to self censor on the internet . Discussing stuff with ppl you know, around you , who give you an immediate feedback is a better stress reliever. Seriously ppl, just TALK. But please find someone who wants to listen . Don’t go around boring ppl.
I’m so glad I have a strong support system. Been through a shocking change in my life that has left me a lil low. Low on life. Low on self confidence. I react to everything like its all blah. Nothing really matters. Trying to keep myself busy. Change being, a relationship that lasted 6 years has come to an end. I cant say I wasn’t expecting it. Always knew it was bound to happen one day. Knowing this fact I thought It’d be easy to manage. Not likely so. Its practically terrible and devastating. Man, if a relationship feels like that, what does a divorce feel like? But usually ppl get divorced when they don’t want to be with each other. At least here I know that’s not the case. I hope.
I don’t know how often or if I really will blog further, but since its off season for me at work , leaves me with lotsa time to browse around.. I’m seeing loads of new blogs mushrooming around. Pretty interesting ones too. I wont stick to particular blogs anymore, just read what gets updated. Blogging trend has changed as well. I notice ppl are a lot more personal on their blogs than before, all the hula baloo of getting a common platform and discussing community issues seems to have died down. Pretty much expected. Most issues remain untouched and everyone is convinced they aren’t singled out. Once in a while you see good info and useful incidents blogged about, good to share experiences. I also noticed that whoever moves away from the UAE feels more at liberty to publish their pictures on their blogs!
Here's leaving you with two incident from my favorite clan in the world.
Incident I
Me : Hey, do you know which state in India does ‘xyz’ belong to?
S (member of said clan) : ummm.. no..
Me: hey never mind, I found it thanx. Its in Kerela!
S : But you asked me where in India...?
My brother waiting in line outside the Indian Consulate to get his passport renewed.
Some guy from God's own country : passport renewal?
My brother : yea
Guy : Which nationality?
***
August 05, 2007
PonderingsRecently, I was a part of a discussion on blogs. A few questions were shot out as us that really got me thinking once I got home. One of them was.. ‘Why can’t people just be normal and stop protesting (not in real terms) against the government and the locals here’ or something similar to the extent.
My question is .. WHO decides what is normal? Why would the expatriates here, NOT want something normal. Do the government and the local population of the UAE, realise, what the expatriates ask for.. IS normal in their world? Yes, it very much is normal back home, and the reason the left that and came here was that no-one told them about the abnormal cultural differences. When you advertise your country (yes your country, I’d love to call it mine, if only it accepted me as its own) and portray it to be better than living in your own, they seem to miss out on the aspects that they know would pose as a cultural/social shock.
I don’t think this system exists but, like when you apply for a visa to certain other countries (Canada, Australia, etc), its compulsory to attend something like a seminar, giving the applicants a summary of the basic rules, regulations, climatic conditions, etc about the country. Given a country like UAE or at least a city like
Again, a counter argument would be, you KNOW you’re moving to another part of the world and should expect a change. But change to what extent? Cant there be a line in the middle when there is some tolerance and some carrying forward of the culture of the land you reside in? where did all this resistance to accept one another arise from?
To my understanding, one of the reasons to this was, the literacy levels among the local population.. initially when ppl came to create infrastructures on this land, they were welcomed and both sides made use of the opportunities. Everyone was happy, everyone was friendly and every old uncle, aunt, relative, been here for more than 20 years knew some or the other Sheikh personally and would rave about their hospitality. Suddenly, after the local population started acknowledging the importance of international education (we’re talking 2nd -3rd generation UAE nationals), they seem to view the same expatriates as a threat to their country. I’m not making a judgment here, maybe its just how I see it, cuz I know a few UAE nationals are going to be reading this and I cant decide if this could be offending or not.
My post doesn’t really make a point, but just some thoughts that went around my head. There were more questions that I want to write about, but maybe later.
On a personal note, I’ve started working again, its okay.. fun cuz I have friends all around, some ppl think it’s a bad move to settle for what I’m doing. But I hope in the long run I benefit out of some upper edge I think this job will bring about. Its long run thinking, more like a gamble. Anyway, I’m still young and my friends, relatives and previous employers have shown faith in my potential. I only hope to make use of it the right way.
Until next time I find some time to peacefully write another post, Adios!
July 19, 2007
Ayurvedic Medicine
Hellooo !! After a looong time I have decided to write. Well all is well so far. I have been enjoying life post exams. I haven’t worked, studied, job hunted for an entire month and a half. And suddenly after an interview yesterday I think the job hunting kida has set in (yes I can picture a few friends smiling). I haven’t even started yet but I feel like it now.
For the first time now, I will be actually looking for a job, focusing on the actual work and the nature of the organisation as opposed to focusing on the package, timing and location earlier. For once I am looking for a job that needs me to use my brains and not come at a specific time, do something replaceable and go. Yes I know it’s said that “if you’re not replaceable you cannot be promoted” but, what I should be doing should make a difference. I know I’m still young and shouldn’t expect that much but I’m hoping I land somewhere close to such a thing.
I actually thought that after my exams, within a week – 10 days I’d be bored and start job hunting and probably join SALSA classes to keep myself busy and get in shape! But I have absolutely NO TIME! HAHA and I LOVE it! I haven’t socialized like that ever. Call me awara, rolu, whatever, you have to take out some time to just enjoy your life when you haven’t had a vacation in 3 years. I was pretty disappointed when my trip to
I must say, Salik wasn’t all that bad cuz the existence of the
I’m in kind of a weird phase now. I don’t really have anything planned. For some reason, I don’t WANT to have plans. I know I’m probably just gonna feel like that as long as I have some dough on me. But I don’t really want to wait till it runs out.. cuz there’s nobody sitting there waiting for me to come and work with them.
I don’t know.. maybe its just the whole wait that has left me disappointed. I realizing now..from the last 10 years I’ve been waiting PATIENTLY for this phase to get over.. for the good stuff to begin. 10 FREAKING years now. 11 or 12 actually, but it took 1or 2 years for it to actually hit me (talking about my acute scoliosis here). I survived it, I am continuously grateful for the way I still turned out but I actually waited for a release. Waiting for the next period to begin. And it HAS ended. Only..I’m still left with the same me. Nothing really changed. Except that, I am definitely wiser, more confident and experienced. But I am physically the same. The part that I WANTED to or was HOPING for.. hasn’t changed. Its still a part of me, and always with me. And I knew it. Then why was I expecting or secretly hoping for it to go away? I keep telling everyone this is it. Nothing beyond this can be done. But somehow, resided inside me those wishes for it to go away and present myself ‘revamped’ in front of the world. A part of me, still does. I hope one day, I get over it. I think this was one of the things running on my mind when I wrote my previous entry.
Staying at home has given me enough time to finally get back to some reading. In the last 3-4 years, I read..what.. 2 books? Not that I’m reading so much now, but I plan/ hope to. In the past few years I’ve only been reading books for college, blogs, and random articles online. Hey, at least I kept my reading kida alive (yes, I use that word a lot). I’m so confused about what I like to read. There’s no particular genre I like. I stand in front of a selection of books for a good amount of time before I pick out something. But I know what I DON’T like! I hate romantic novels and lovey dovey stuff or series of mystery thrills. Even when I was younger, never read those Nancy Drews or Hardy boys.. even now.. I cant read a Daniel Steel or the like. Reading more than 3 books from the same author is like watching an Ekta Kapoor serial. You can say the dialogue before the character will.
Anyways, that all for now, bits and pieces of things on my mind. Will fill in, when I feel like next or when something important takes place. Adios
May 13, 2007
Confused.. looseryou know those times when you wished things had'nt been the way they were..well in my case right now.. I cant think of a better way things would have gone otherwise anyway.. practically speaking...
So I'm lost.. and I feel like a big looser
lost lost lost.. and dont know where I'm heading..
Changes.. small small changes but alot.. but you know you cant make them on you're own and you know even if you had the choice.. you wouldnt be able to.
Dream on.
Frankly.. I think I'm jealous of ppl I see.. who have by now achieved a lot more or atleast are settling or atleast on their way.. and they dint really have to try that much.. actually thats how I see it..and I feel like..after all that I did and went through..I'm still here and have nooo hopes left.. trust me.. for once I was one of the ppl who never lost hope.. who pressed others to keep hope.. and now.. I'm just losing confidence in my self..
Its not like everything is over.. but now.. at this point so much can happen. Or not.
I think I just need something to encourage that hope within me..that zest I once had. But I'm gonna keep trying. Thats what I'm making myself believe.
April 27, 2007
I got visitors...
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