Someday Someplace...
August 16, 2008
LostLately, I've been unable to sleep peacefully. I am so lost and unable to focus. my feelings are so reverse.
About until 1.5 years ago, ppl always asked me what plans I had in life ahead, where I was heading, where do I see myself etc. and I never had an answer. I was someone who took life per day, as it came. I dint have any set plans and decided what to do and how as things came through. I was happy that way.
Until now, nobody really asks me those questions anymore. I'm done with my studies (the essential part, further is optional and I dont see something available, of my choice, in Dubai). I have a job I like (mostly, I guess). I dont have any financial burdens. But, NOW is the time I cant find myself at peace. I am constantly worrying about what lies ahead. So many things happening around me, I cant seem to be affected or show my emotion/reaction to any of it. I'm just there, cold. Unaffected.
Is something wrong with me?
Trust me, the simplest of things can make me happy. It doesnt take much to put a genuine smile on my face. Doesnt seem to be the case anymore. I would get excited about the slightest thing. Now, I'm just normal, like nothing happened/ is happening. I was loud and hyper and always showing some initiative, volunteering for things around me. Now, I just sit there, unaffected with a 'couldnt be bothered' attitude.
My mind is always worried about my future. Maybe its because so far, I had these goals to accomplish. Not that I had set, but goals you are 'supposed to' meet by this age. There was always something to look forward to. Something to do next. All of that seems to have come to an end now. I SO dont know what to do.
I just cannot find myself at peace, to be able to relax. Worst of all, I have this ability to sleep for 12-14 hours at a stretch, after that, I'm like a bunny on energiser battery. Again, NOW when I get out of my sleeping beauty mode, I still have dark circles..why? cuz all those hours I slept, I kept having some nasty dreams.
I've mentioned about my grandma before, well shes away for a while now and will be, for the next few months. You have NO IDEA how much things have changed at home. My family life couldnt be better. Everyone is so relaxed. No more stupid nonsensical rules. Everyone is free to do things at their will. Best of all - no restrictions on the kitchen, who to touch, when to touch, when to do what. Basically, we feel like we're living a practical life now. But instead of enjoying all of this while shes back. I'm numb.
I need help. I'm missing something that has always been there. Without that, I just cant seem to be myself anymore. I havent lost hope. I just hope I can be myself again..seems very difficult and a tiring effort but.. I'll try.. I just need time..maybe?
I just CANNOT CANNOT find myself to be at peace.
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