August 16, 2008
LostLately, I've been unable to sleep peacefully. I am so lost and unable to focus. my feelings are so reverse.
About until 1.5 years ago, ppl always asked me what plans I had in life ahead, where I was heading, where do I see myself etc. and I never had an answer. I was someone who took life per day, as it came. I dint have any set plans and decided what to do and how as things came through. I was happy that way.
Until now, nobody really asks me those questions anymore. I'm done with my studies (the essential part, further is optional and I dont see something available, of my choice, in Dubai). I have a job I like (mostly, I guess). I dont have any financial burdens. But, NOW is the time I cant find myself at peace. I am constantly worrying about what lies ahead. So many things happening around me, I cant seem to be affected or show my emotion/reaction to any of it. I'm just there, cold. Unaffected.
Is something wrong with me?
Trust me, the simplest of things can make me happy. It doesnt take much to put a genuine smile on my face. Doesnt seem to be the case anymore. I would get excited about the slightest thing. Now, I'm just normal, like nothing happened/ is happening. I was loud and hyper and always showing some initiative, volunteering for things around me. Now, I just sit there, unaffected with a 'couldnt be bothered' attitude.
My mind is always worried about my future. Maybe its because so far, I had these goals to accomplish. Not that I had set, but goals you are 'supposed to' meet by this age. There was always something to look forward to. Something to do next. All of that seems to have come to an end now. I SO dont know what to do.
I just cannot find myself at peace, to be able to relax. Worst of all, I have this ability to sleep for 12-14 hours at a stretch, after that, I'm like a bunny on energiser battery. Again, NOW when I get out of my sleeping beauty mode, I still have dark circles..why? cuz all those hours I slept, I kept having some nasty dreams.
I've mentioned about my grandma before, well shes away for a while now and will be, for the next few months. You have NO IDEA how much things have changed at home. My family life couldnt be better. Everyone is so relaxed. No more stupid nonsensical rules. Everyone is free to do things at their will. Best of all - no restrictions on the kitchen, who to touch, when to touch, when to do what. Basically, we feel like we're living a practical life now. But instead of enjoying all of this while shes back. I'm numb.
I need help. I'm missing something that has always been there. Without that, I just cant seem to be myself anymore. I havent lost hope. I just hope I can be myself again..seems very difficult and a tiring effort but.. I'll try.. I just need time..maybe?
I just CANNOT CANNOT find myself to be at peace.
August 05, 2008
Random! Random! Update! Update! Random Update!!Its been a year.. exactly a year now. A lot has changed. Way tooo much has changed. Well in my last post, a year ago, I mentioned I’m taking a gamble on a job. Turned out well. After 2 months of working as a temp, I was offered a permanent position, which I duly declined. Another month later I was offered a higher and better position, which I accepted. 6 months ahead, a raise.
Contradictory to my friends, I'm enjoying my life - post graduation. I don’t really miss being a student so much, probably cuz of the pains I went through to finally complete my degree (not so much with flying colors) but I did it!!!! And it feels great. All the pain and effort and fighting and sleepless nights and tension and worries, really paid off. People really look at you differently when you’re out there starting a career – irrespective of the kind of experience you have. Lucky for me, I’m placed in an industry of my interest and also had relevant experience and my education backs my skills.
I’d really lost interest in Blogging. Like Gautam said recently ‘who Josh chala gaya’. Firstly, I was bored of the same ‘ol ranting, same ‘ol shit on everyones blog, I dint bother to keep track. I got so busy with work and my social life (which was almost non existent during college). A social life that I had time for! Anything that happened I could actually discuss it, debate it, laugh at , complain along – all with my friends, collegues, ppl I know ppl who had a better judgement of me. I realized when I blogged, I let out incomplete info on what I was talking about. I could never give everyone a clear picture of where I'm getting at, cuz you HAVE to self censor on the internet . Discussing stuff with ppl you know, around you , who give you an immediate feedback is a better stress reliever. Seriously ppl, just TALK. But please find someone who wants to listen . Don’t go around boring ppl.
I’m so glad I have a strong support system. Been through a shocking change in my life that has left me a lil low. Low on life. Low on self confidence. I react to everything like its all blah. Nothing really matters. Trying to keep myself busy. Change being, a relationship that lasted 6 years has come to an end. I cant say I wasn’t expecting it. Always knew it was bound to happen one day. Knowing this fact I thought It’d be easy to manage. Not likely so. Its practically terrible and devastating. Man, if a relationship feels like that, what does a divorce feel like? But usually ppl get divorced when they don’t want to be with each other. At least here I know that’s not the case. I hope.
I don’t know how often or if I really will blog further, but since its off season for me at work , leaves me with lotsa time to browse around.. I’m seeing loads of new blogs mushrooming around. Pretty interesting ones too. I wont stick to particular blogs anymore, just read what gets updated. Blogging trend has changed as well. I notice ppl are a lot more personal on their blogs than before, all the hula baloo of getting a common platform and discussing community issues seems to have died down. Pretty much expected. Most issues remain untouched and everyone is convinced they aren’t singled out. Once in a while you see good info and useful incidents blogged about, good to share experiences. I also noticed that whoever moves away from the UAE feels more at liberty to publish their pictures on their blogs!
Here's leaving you with two incident from my favorite clan in the world.
Incident I
Me : Hey, do you know which state in India does ‘xyz’ belong to?
S (member of said clan) : ummm.. no..
Me: hey never mind, I found it thanx. Its in Kerela!
S : But you asked me where in India...?
My brother waiting in line outside the Indian Consulate to get his passport renewed.
Some guy from God's own country : passport renewal?
My brother : yea
Guy : Which nationality?
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